You might be tempted to ask a woman for advice on how to be a man. This is a bad idea and you’ll not get the results you’re looking for. Why do men listen to women and why shouldn’t you do it? Keep reading and find out!
The men who think listening to women for advice on how to be a man, are mostly unsure in their identity. They don’t know what it means to be a man. They are confused for several reasons.
Lack of role models and demonization of masculinity being two of the biggest reasons in my opinion. Society doesn’t give men a sense of purpose and/or direction. That causes men to be confused, nihilistic, negative, etc.
The men who are feeling one of these ways are most likely to take advice from women. Since other men are failing to do so, it seems the right way to go.
Why do men listen?
Why do some men think it’s a good idea to listen to women on how to be a man? I think there are two big reasons that cause this.
Men aren’t talking about how to be men. We talk about sports, cars, women, work, etc. Not often are there conversations about what it means to be a man.
A certain group of women seemingly talks a lot about masculinity. Much more than men are talking about it. Since they are talking about something men aren’t talking much about, it seems like a logical choice to listen to them.
No other sources
As said before, there aren’t many men who are talking about being a man. Most men have withdrawn from the conversations because they fear being personally attacked or they have no idea about masculinity themselves either.
Because of this lack of recourses for men, their attention goes to the people that ARE talking about it.
Most men want to act in a way that is attractive to women. These men don’t care about being man, they just care about attracting women. Their way of thinking is that women know what they’re attracted to so they’ll know how they want men to behave.
This way of thinking is flawed in more than one way.
What are the problems with listening to women about how to be a man? Most women like men. Most women like masculine men. Doesn’t that make them ultimately qualified to have something to say about it? Not really, for a few reasons;
Many women nowadays have a negative stereotype in their head of what masculinity is. Toxic masculinity, fragile masculinity, etc, are phrases often thrown around. There are lots of women who don’t think masculinity is a good thing. If you’re going to ask them what a man should be like, you’re going to get a very different version than you should be getting.
The advice you’re going to get is likely advice that will make you less masculine should you follow it.
Fish and fisherman
This is not a new analogy but think of it like this: You don’t ask a fish on how to be a fisherman.
Do you think the fish has any idea of what it means to be a fisherman? How to navigate the ocean on a boat? Maintaining the boat? Which time to go fishing? Etc.
A fish has no idea of those things. Now fish are much better at other things than the fisherman. Breathing under water, swimming, navigating under water, etc.
The fish and the fisherman are good at different things. A fisherman can’t learn the things a fish can do and vice versa. They are looking at life from very different perspectives. That means you are unlikely to learn something about your own perspective by listening to something coming from the other perspective.
That’s only what the two genders can say about each other. That’s not the main reason men ask women about being men.
Now if you’re asking women for the reason of getting women, that makes the analogy even clearer. Would a fish tell a fisherman how to catch more fish? Don’t think so. So if you’re asking a woman how to act in a way to catch a woman, It’s very unlikely you’ll get a useful answer.
Often heard advice is: “just be yourself”
Well, for some people that doesn’t work. Their “normal self” just isn’t very attractive. And that’s exactly why women usually won’t give useful advice. They want to see who is naturally attractive. They don’t want “losers” acting in an attractive way since that could be confusing. You are expected to just “get it” and not need any help.
Now that doesn’t mean there isn’t anything to learn there. Just not in a direct way. You can learn something by using the other perspective as a contrast. Contrast helps you see things more clearly.
But, if you have no clue what you’re looking for, it might just confuse you. You need a basic understanding of what masculinity is before you can use the increased contrast to learn.
Never listen to women?
So should you never listen to women? That’s not what I’m saying. There are plenty of things men and women can learn from each other.
For things that don’t involve femininity or masculinity, there are plenty of things we can learn from each other. And even on matters of gender you should talk to each other if you want to. Just be careful who you take advice from, since it might not be useful.
Just like you should be careful who you take advice from about any other topic. Many people give advice about things they don’t know anything about.
Who should you listen to?
If you’re tempted to listen to women on how you can be a man, you might be a bit confused. Who should you ask for advice?
First off, get more confident with your own identity. Start putting in some effort to get your life in a direction you want. In the end you should develop your own identity and masculinity. You should decide who you are and what you do, not other people.
Ok, not everyone knows what to do from the start. Most of us have been there. You have to start somewhere. But where? That’s the difficult part. Here are some suggestions.
The best way to learn about being a man is having a good masculine role model.
The lack of good role models is the reason why most of us have forgotten what masculinity is in the first place. An absent father has a huge impact on how a young man will develop. And maybe you did have a father but he was a bad role model in some way.
If you’ve been raised by women only, it’s no surprise that it’s difficult to grasp what real masculinity looks like. That makes it difficult in turn to recognize a good role model.
So forget masculinity for a while. Choose a role model that has the life you want. The man that has a life you want, is likely to be confident in their masculinity. Here are some suggestions of things to look for in a role model.
- A man that has a modicum of success in several areas (not only money)
- A man that has success with women (long term or short term. Depending on what you want)
- A man that is confident and doesn’t give a f*ck about what others think of him
- A man that isn’t being overrun and/or controlled by the women in his life
- A man that is in control of his life and behavior
- A man you respect or admire
Someone who is close to you is certainly a much easier. A grandfather, uncle, etc. is more likely to being receptive to you being around him. You don’t only learn through listening. Being around someone and experiencing how they react in many situations is a huge part of learning. You might want to choose Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as your role model but how are you going to be able to spend any time with him?
You can of course have more than one role model.
Suggested post: Masculine traits with examples
Another place to start is to start reading about how you can adopt a masculine mindset. I’ve written a couple of posts on this website on what the masculine mindset it and how you can adopt it.
This post is a good place to start: Introduction to the masculine mindset.